OK, I knew it would come, but today I had a choice crisis. This may become totally irrelevant one day, but as it stands, I'm mostly acting like this adoption is happening.
Most of the time I worry so much about Sarah and her personal pain. How much will this hurt? Will her heart break? Will she regret it? My heart breaks for her when I think of it.
But driving from one thing to another today I thought about my choice to put Elizabeth in interim care. My first instinct when it was suggested by Bethany was to go for it. But I knew somewhere deep down I would rethink it and today was that day. Here's my thought:
Sarah and my daughter, days old, will find herself with strangers instead of either one of her mothers. Nice, loving strangers who are completely capable of caring for her, no doubt. But how can I turn a child away from her home and my loving arms all to protect my heart? How selfish of me. I can't help but cry. How do you explain that to a child? "Your first days were with strangers because it was going to hurt too much to love you." ?!?!
I have no doubt I will love her the second I lay eyes on her face, hence waiting until I know she's mine. The devastation will be acute if we lose her after I've held her. But how can I truly justify that choice to an innocent child who just needs a mommy? I remember the bizarre excitement of taking Sam home from the hospital. Brian and I couldn't wait to get him home. But more importantly, he never left my presence but for the first four hours of his birth. I refused to put him in the nursery. And I'm going to let Elizabeth live with strangers for DAYS?
And if I feel like this already, how is it going to feel when I know she's breathing air in the same city as me?
So, which do I choose? Protect my heart or DARE TO LOVE?
Comments?
P.S. Mrs. A - I had NO idea you guys used to do this and I would love to hear more one day, because I would like to do it myself. It might especially help to hear your opinion, since you were one of those "strangers." =)
6 comments:
Okay, I had a whole long reply typed up, but it didn't convey what I was trying to get across, so we just need to get together so we can talk, cry and pray about this!!
I love you :)
My heart would go for the love every time--"'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Tennyson)
"It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." Phil. 2:13
Always praying for you, Mom
I also thought about this as soon as I heard about the 7 days in foster care. Bonding as soon as possible is very important and I think this may add more disruption to this very important phase.
Of course bonding is a 2-way street and should you have to give her up would be very difficult. There is always that fine balance between doing the best thing and the personal risk taken. There simply is no easy answer. You have to go with your gut (heart) amd God's guidance.
Love you.
Dad
Love is always worth the risk
Love is always worth the risk
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